in 2003 During the Major League Baseball season, Oreo Queefs was 5 feet zero and weighed 385 pounds. He stole an incredible 214 bases, breaking the century-old 138 bases in a single season. A walrus with cheetah legs, purple goatee Queefs also often passes the ball to the field 500 feet away-a steroid-free strength that has never been seen before or after. In just two seasons with the Florida Marlins, he hit 0.680 points, hit 203 homers, and was expelled for 46 rushes. Then, even before reaching his super alien peak, Queves disappeared into the air.

A few weeks ago, I received a text message from the Marlins manager about the experience of the former Golden Glove champion. Queefs was in trouble. The 43-year-old man and his uncle live in a rented trailer in Nevada, where the two run an off-line sausage stall called Queefs’ Kielbasa Kiosk. The manager told me that he was divorced twice, had not seen his 15-year-old son for 12 years, and was suspended for attempting to rob a fishing bait and fishing tackle shop.

In fact, Oreo Queefs only exists on PlayStation 2 memory cards and may now corrode in a landfill in eastern Massachusetts.The manager is my childhood friend Chris, who used to be the owner of EA Sports games MVP Baseball 2003We imagined the genitals on a summer night. This is the only way two 13-year-old boys know how to have children: our lubricant is 2 liters of Pepsi, poured directly from the bottle, and our womb is the game’s “creative player” “screen. The X and Y buttons determine the chromosomes we design for the baby. We chose his height, weight, cheekbone structure, speed, vision and hitting hot zone. We gave our eldest son the best name that our adolescent brain could think of after 9/11, and we proudly watched him clear the league.

Then, just like gamers, we were bored with our kid, abandoned him, and envisioned more children, including garlic pepperoni, whose anatomically ridiculous chicken-wing-shaped arms single-handedly led California State University. Fullerton won the first national basketball championship (College Basketball 2K6), and FB#44, the unnamed Alaskan full-back has won the Heisman Trophy for four consecutive times (2007 NCAA Football Game). Then, on the dirty futon sofa in the university, other friends and I gave birth to more children, including Uka Pryzvashevki, a 7-foot-1, 140-pound Bulgarian heavyweight champion (Battle Night Round 2) And Y. Anus, all transition shots and Robin blue sweater vest, he coached the Maine Black Bears for 130 seasons (most of which were simulated), and ended him with a staggering 1,654-19 record Career (2009 NCAA Football Game).

I haven’t played these games for ten years, but my friends and I have updated each other’s lives with the characters we created over the years. They all plummeted from glory. Pepperonis was imprisoned for embezzling the cafeteria of his alma mater. Anus, now 168, is hiding in Peru and is wanted by the FBI for tax evasion. At the same time, his 9 former lovers are also wanted for duplicity.

The media has been over-analyzing the reasons for millennials Can’t Grow up Because the oldest millennials are legal adults. Nevertheless, I cannot help but accept the fact that, for example, at the age of 32, Jesus Christ is leading his friends and most of humanity towards eternal salvation-my friends and I each other during the working day Send text messages saying that the video game characters we created in our teenage years have become economically insecure and criminally prone to bad fathers. Ask, why?

Author Sam Anderson recently quipped: “The world of sports media is basically American men avoid treatment. “The same is true for sports video games (there is still a lack of female athletes), especially in the afterlife of fictional sports video game characters. As children, we replaced our dreams with their record-breaking and staggering success. Adults, we deal with our real setbacks and failures through the setbacks and failures they imagined.


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